Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hey there, what's your sign?

ADMISSION: I'm one of those horoscope nerds. I actually own a book called "The only Astrology book you'll ever need"..and it's glorious. Embarrassing, but true.

The other day on the show Molly and I chatted about holding onto old grudges and how it's not good for you to do it. In fact, if you let go of things, not only does it make you more likable, but it also frees you emotionally. Great...but that's totally not me.

I'm someone who is obsessed with fairness. Even when I was little my mom said it was a constant moral dilemma of mine upsetting me to the core when something wasn't fair for someone. Maybe this stemmed from growing up with all guys and always having to fight for my share. Example: when we would make pizza or mac-n-cheese, I would make it, divide it then they could choose which portion. That was FAIR...if you divide it up AND pick, that's not fair because the boys were notorious for taking more food leaving me hungry!

So- back to my point....as a Scorpio one of the personality traits that is apparently so endearing about my scornful self, is that if someone "crosses" me, I either punish them repeatedly or I let THEM go instead of letting the issue go. So the horoscope goes...

Truthfully, I am a bit like that, and I'm kind of proud of it. I absolutely am a forgiving person as well, but I never forget. There is a big difference. I've prided myself on weeding out the people in life who aren't good friends. The men or women who aren't there to support or build you as a person, I don't think are worth spending your time with. If someone I care about hurts me, I'm someone who takes it extremely personal and is very affected by it...but I will generally not give them the same opportunity twice. I do however note if it was intentional, we've all accidentally hurt someone without knowing it, no one is perfect.

Well, up this alley, today we talked about toxic friends...women mainly because our guest Polly Drew gave us this not so surprising statistic:

84% of women say they've suffered palpable emotion wounding at the hands of other women.

I'm actually not surprised are you? I mean we all went through school as teens and whether you're popular or not, kids aren't always kind. As we get older, the problem is that some people don't grow out of those habits of harmful toxic friend behavior.

Personally, I'm really proud of the fact that I don't have many women like that in my life, if any. Mainly by choice and consciously keeping those people at a distance, or making sure I don't share anything personal with them.

So it begs the question: Why are women so bad to other women?

I personally have a HUGE moral issue with this and it sincerely angers me!! Ladies, we could rule the world if we didn't keep each other down! There's no need in life to back stab, undermine, be negatively jealous or envious, cheat with another women's man, or talk behind someones back. Those are NOT the kind of women I have in my life, and I am honestly extremely thankful for that. Every situation is different, and I'm not as judgemental as I might sound...I'm definitely not perfect. But I am very aware of toxic people.

Maybe I learned it from my mom...she's a supportive kind woman who is very giving. She's never been competitive with women or gossipy.

And I have to say I LOVE the women in my life, and I don't think competition is bad - I think it helps us all try to perform better. It's when it becomes dark that it's scary.

My girlfriends and I support each others events, talk through weight problems, encourage each other to work hard and idea share, listen about relationships and have cried through death, broken hearts and hardships. I can sincerely say, I've never been negatively jealous of the very successful women in my life, just extremely happy for them and motivated by their accomplishments.

What are your thoughts? Leave me a comment!

I say, take it from a Scorpio - making someone "pay for their mistakes" by not forgetting and keeping them in your life isn't half as fun as simply letting them go and re-surrounding yourself with people you never have to use that spiteful scorpion tail on in the first place.

328 comments:

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Anonymous said...

I am in the throws of emotions of breaking up with a toxic girlfriend which happened in the summer. My hubby was very close to her hubby and I liked her, loved her actually until I grew weary of her gossip. We broke up the friendship because our son and their daughter had a bad breakup. It was too uncomfortable Hearing gossip about our kids. They quickly grabbed our best friend, an 85 year old man, and filled him full of gossip about us.

I miss them at times, however we did run into them at a restaurant recently. We braved walked over to them and asked how they were doing and right away she told us that she heard our son was back with an old girlfriend and then I remembered why I cut the tie. It still hurts letting a relationship go. I'm a Scorpio too.

Tiffany Times said...

From your side of the issue it sounds like that parent is trying to live through their teens life? Sad...I've told other friends when this has happened, if someone doesn't come to you to iron out something they heard, and if they believed it, they weren't as good of a friend as you may have thought to begin with.
You made the best decision for yourself..even if it was hard and you probably taught your children a good lesson too - be the bigger person by not "fighting back", but move on and be happier without them.

Anonymous said...

Oh boy. Boy do I know that Scorpio tendency to lash out with that sting-y, sharp tail. My husband is a Scorpio. He says that his need to "punish" - much like your explanation - comes from an extreme allegiance to "fairness" and the need to set Karma right. I always ask him, "Who the heck do you think you are? God?" Ha!

Anyway, we get through his tendency to be that way by our love for each other. Underneath it all, we care for each other and want what's best for each other.

So often, as you say, that reality is missing in girlfriend relationships. Like you, I wonder why. Like you, I've never been that way. I am always genuinely happy for my friends - women or otherwise - who find success or happiness. Their happiness opens my heart, so that I feel an outpouring of happiness FOR them.

Why can't more women have open hearts toward each other?

I, too, have had some nasty experiences with female friends in the past. Honestly, I think jealousy is the motivator. So many women see themselves in competition with each other, and they see success as a zero sum game. (i.e., If SHE'S successful, than I am not, or I cannot be.)

Of course, that's totally wrong. But I think that's how many women think... and why they're often cutting to other women where they should be supporting them and lifting them up.

- Cecelia

Anonymous said...

Life is too short and too precious to let a toxic person suck the positive energy from you. Whether at work or in a personal relationship, I'm not afraid to amputate that person from my life. If there's one thing I've learned about a toxic so called girlfriend is that toxicity levels always go up never down. She's not happy until she kills someone's spirit, someone's dreams or maybe even a relationship. Anything she deems you unfit to have. I myself have a very strong intuitive sense and can always pick these people out. So if my radar goes off!....forget it sister!

Christine O'Meally said...

I have had a number of toxic friendships, and it seems to me that I've drawn a lot of narcissistic personalities to me - which, unfortunately, was a character trait of my late mother.

When I moved away from Milwaukee years ago, and away from my mother, I was able to establish the first healthy relationships (male and female) of my life. And since then, even after moving back, I've been able to recognize the unhealthy ones before they could become too much of a part of my life.

Who knows why I held on to them as long as I did, back in the day? Maybe a way to try to please my mom? When I gave up trying to do that with the real one, I didn't have to try to please anyone else. Just myself.

Liz said...

My friend Angela and I recently had a conversation about "toxic friends" and how they can completely ruin things for you. She believes that if a woman does not have a close group of women friends, that there's a reason for that and throws up a huge red flag. I, on the other hand, for the first time in my life (that I can remember anyway) have more girl friends than guy friends. I find myself going to more and more "girls nights" than I ever imagined. It's a nice change :)

This past year I finally took charge of the people I surround myself with. It took a bad breakup for me to see things more clearly, but I'm grateful that I did. I can now say that I'm on the right track with my friend base, and have weeded out a lot of the negativity and gossip that was around me before.

Women do need to stick together. The things we could accomplish if we did! I cannot emphasize how much I agree with the phrase "Forgive, but don't forget". Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone should learn from their mistakes too!

All in all, thanks for the post! It definitely resonates with a lot of people, men and women alike!

Sarah said...

Hey Tiff,

Loved your blog, the "what's your sign" part caught my eye on fb:) I am a Pisces through and through. A lil nutty (emotional) but altogether loveable:)
Funny you should talk about letting go. I just started reading a book by Echo Bodine called "My Big Book of Healing". It's about how hanging on to negative emotions can manifest physically and cause illness. It's a great book, I'm only 1/4 of the way through but strongly recommend her books to anyone interested in intuition.
I definitely agree with weeding out those who aren't good friends. Although it seems to take a lot of trial and error in figuring that out! I, being a fellow water sign, also take it extremely personal when someone I care about hurts me. Although, being a Pisces, am a glutton for punishment and will let it happen more than once, but, am always weary and do not forget. The trouble I have with getting rid of toxic friends is that they are not always toxic. I'm always willing to give people a second chance...and a third...and a fourth.
In essence, I completely agree with you. As hard as it may be for the sentimental, emotional fish (like me) to let people go, it really is for the best. And not only for us, but for the 'toxic' friend' as well. I know I can be shy and have a hard time sticking up for myself, which makes me an enabler at times. And if I'm enabling others to treat me toxically, parting ways can only be good for both of us.

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