So do my new shoes!.... OUCH! I love them, but they do NOT love me. Wow...that seems to be a something I've heard before....so let's begin. Have you ever NOT allowed someone to love you before? Dumb question Tiffany right? You can't help when you love someone. Well, maybe not...what obstacles have you put in the way of people loving you so that you were in control of your own emotions?
What is it about us that prevents us from being everything we were meant to be? Is it fear? Insecurity? A feeling like we don't deserve it? A way to be in control? Or simply ignorance? Ignorant of the fact that you don't realize you weren't allowing yourself to feel or do things things because you simply didn't want to get hurt...be let down.. be alone...so instead you stay in control and don't allow for those things to happen to you. Really what you were doing is hurting yourself, and maybe others, more than if you had just known what you were doing and not been so blind!!
All my talk sometimes makes it seem like I really have everything figured out. But really, who does? So much wisdom, insight you comment...maybe instead it's ignorance? It's supposed to be Bliss isn't it?
How many times in your life have you been hurt so badly you decided you'd never let that happen again? Prob only once I hope.... me, I lost a parent. I"m not special for that, or deserve a round of applause for surviving, but I maybe just recognized since that point in my life, I've never allowed anyone to get close enough to me to allow myself to feel so hurt. Almost 7 years?!!!! Everyone is kept at a certain distance, a controlled distance, one that won't allow them to leave me and me to hurt for long. Are you doing that?
Let's talk about love - directly, not in metaphors as I usually do. I have been told, I don't allow people to fall in love with me....I've retorted...you don't allow yourself to fall in love, you just do. You can't decide when or where or how or with who, it just happens whether you want to be vulnerable or not. Am I wrong? I think there is so much truth to that...at least for me. Yet as I scream into an empty heart about vulnerability, I recognize maybe it's me who's not willing to let go? Not willing to move on so I don't get hurt, take care of myself without having a safety net, or even make a decision firmly for fear it's the wrong one and I'll regret something. How can I expect someone to be vulnerable to me when I am not fully vulnerable myself? I constantly have a backup...a burner on high...a parachute packed...pepto in my purse..and they know it!! Why hasn't anyone told me this before now?!
Ok ok...I'm back to my metaphors...let's go with it, remember my posting on the pop can I left on my car and saw it from my window? Read a year ago below if you don't.... I talk about when you remember you've lost something you want it back..the way it was when you had it. Part of it was I was giving up drinking so much regular pop at the time trying to drink diet pop to be more healthy (baby steps right?). Then WHAMO, I saw it out my window, remembered I had it there and realized when something you had is still in plain sight you can't really let it go..you picture just what it was like when you last had it and you still want it alittle. It takes real strength to move on, and cut yourself off from it. To be honest, I'll always see another can of regular pop, and it will remind me of how much I love Dr. Pepper...but if I've really moved on, it won't make me drool. I'll be able to laugh and smile at the memories I had with it....ah ..me and my "pops".
Holding onto things from the past prevents you from moving on to what is waiting for your future..because there is always a reason you decided you had to move.
I constantly miss my father. I want to be someone who makes him proud, someone who lives in the present and fulfills her purpose..exhausts her talents, and loves with abandon. I don't think he'd be proud I've used him leaving me as an excuse to not love...or even worse, be loved. But after a swift kick in the butt today and a lot of tears and thinking, that's what I know I have to do. I Tiffany Times am not so on track all the time as I sound...I'm just human, haunted by my past experiences, trying not to let them hold me back anymore.
So...I ask: What is holding you back? Did someone hurt you....leave you....you failed yourself.....you don't feel you deserve something....you can't give up control.....you are ignorant? Don't let ignorance be the ghost that haunts you from achieving what you want in any area of your life. Be honest with yourself and realize it..ask someone to give you a swift kick in the ass and buck up! Excuses, Excuses, Now is the time to change!
So, ignorance isn't always Bliss...sometimes it's more painful than if you had realized something in the first place. Don't just put a bandaid on your "Bliss"-ters....let them heal by not wearing the same shoes...it's ok if those shoes didn't fit right, there is another pair out there waiting for you..probably cuter, and calling your name!