Monday, June 23, 2008

Prox-intimacy

Anything can come between two people..... beliefs, arguments, interests, lack of intimacy, work, goals, money, children, or simply distance. I was told a quote once that said the worst hell for a human is "proximity without intimacy". It's being with someone without physically feeling the connection...and I think thats true for any of those things on my list.

Have you ever been close to someone and felt like your beliefs, politicially or personally are opposite? Or maybe you love different activities and can't seem to enjoy doing things together because someone is constantly compromising. Worlds worst, you are together but have no physical touch or tender moments....maybe work keeps you away, your goals are opposite or children take all your energy and attention. Maybe it's what I'm contemplating.....the miles between you are daunting.

I've thought about this phenomenon a lot lately....and the fact that so many people I know live a life without intimacy in their relationships in one or more of those areas, yet feel crippled to make changes for the better. So the question is, how do we get the courage to ask for more, or recognize we were mentally telling ourselves we lived on a cute little culdasac, when really our heart knew it was nothing more than a fancy name for a dead end?

Prox-intimacy I'm going to call it.....what does it take to survive a friendship or relationship that prohibits you from feeling connected in some awful way? Because to be honest, sometimes it's not a flaw, it's a circumstance....

Perhaps right now you are the one who's moving, or traveling, or working, or uninterested, or focused on other priorities.....either side of it, we've all been witness to moments where someone cuts us off. At it's worst it's verbally not speaking to us, physically cannot look us in the eye, or simply refuses to feel our touch. I don't think any human deserves that....heck, or animal for that matter! I have chosen in my life to change my relationships...be honest about my wants and flaws and needs.
I've learned you cannot get what you want unless you decide for yourself to get it, or ask for it from those you love. I used to believe I could hint to people and they would respond....I'm a very talented persuader if I do say so myself. Having a psychology background, I often times would use reverse psychology to coax others to do what I needed without ever having to directly ask. Was a it a great talent...yes. Was it fulfilling....absolutely not. Through my experiences I've learned that asking is a much better policy...most often those who are worth your time will reciprocate and go above and beyond what you ask for.

So my message today....Don't settle for a friend, spouse, lover, or co-worker who isn't willing to work at your relationship. Allowing yourself to feel like you're shut off from another person emotionally isn't fair to you, or if you've shut off from another person, don't string them along... be honest about how you're feeling or take time to figure out what's at the root of your behavior. Sometimes making the decision to move on if you don't feel good about yourself or connected intimately with that person is ok....even if on paper, they looked like a perfect match to your needs.

Prox-intimacy.....the need for proximity WITH intimacy.....simply put, don't settle for less.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are so insightful Tiff. This was a great posting for me to read this week . . . .I'm so incredibly proud of you for being able to articulate your thoughts and your feelings. I'm crazy about you.
Love you much--Barb

Anonymous said...

This was amazing...I cannot tell you how much I needed this insight. I would pay you to be my psychologist...I'm passing your blog on to friends. Thank you Tiffany.

Keith Privette said...

Hey Tiffany great blog entry. I have to say my wife and I were there, but really rediscovered each this past year. Careers, Kids, and Hecticness of life really starting to pull us apart until we stopped the craziness and sat down and talked with someone.

I have to say the one thing we do not get a manual on is communication with the person you love the most and others around you. Honesty about how you feel and what you need is key! But on the flip side you also need to listen to the what the other person needs and WANT to do those things because you really enjoy them.