My Transformers 3 Role: "Line-Bot"

The Autobots and Decepticons are not just toys for kids, they are a multi-million dollar CG Nation for fans of Transformers around the world!

Saturday was Milwaukee's own open call (cattle call -as they are called) to be an extra in Transformers 3 the movie. Transformers 3 will be filming at the Milwaukee Art Museum for two days in July and they were looking for 100 some odd extras to be trendy business executives for the film which will be released a year later in July 2011.

Thousands of people from Milwaukee, Chicago, Minneapolis, and surrounding other states showed up to wait in line for hours in 90 degree piercing sun. Domino's pizza sold pizzas to people waiting in line, smart locals carried bags of water bottles to sell to parched hopefuls. Everyone desiring that 15 seconds of fame as a background artist in the movie. I went, and I waited....yes, I waited in line for 5.5 hours with my trusty umbrella for shade, company and fellow auditioner John, and a Nalgene of ice water as we slowly creept (me barefoot-you try wearing 4" heals for 6 hrs without a place to sit) up 4 full city blocks. All towards that sacred moment in front of casting.

That moment...yeah...well it consisted of filling out a sheet of paper with your statistics (Ht, Wt, Age, measurements) and taking a snap shot with another person. You were in and out of the actual casting within 15 seconds.

Truth be told, this is the way most if not all open calls I've ever been to go and if you don't like that, don't even kid yourself that you'd have fun on set. On set as an extra, you hurry up and wait the whole day. You're not allowed to take pictures with any famous actors or directors and most often are corralled away from them anyway. You repeat the same walking/laughing/clapping/screaming/standing/sitting/looking pattern over and over for 8-14 hours. And NO you are NOT allowed to have your cell phone with you to text, sneak shots, or do email while on set. You simply stand and wait....just like you did to get the Extra role in the first place. There are no perks (unless you're a professional actor hoping to get your SAG card), and you're definitely NOT treated like a celebrity. Sounds boring right? Honestly, I can't lie--I still love it! I love everything about being on a set, camera, lights, ACTION! There is a thrill for me doing work, that never feels like work.

So why not sit in line for nearly 6 hours? Some may call it crazy...I'm a bit demented I guess, because I thought it was fun. We chatted with other people around us, and played trivia on our iPhones. I will say this though, there were many people there talking about how this could be their moment of fame, they might get paid a lot of money to become rich and maybe even become the next Shia Labeouf. I hate to break it to you, but our biggest hope if you are cast as an extra, is that the scene makes it on screen..and if it does, the only transformer character role we'll get is, "Extra-bot".

The moral of the story is this: Don't be Decipti"Conned". If you're doing something to be "famous" or in hopes of getting "discovered", most often, you're there for the wrong reasons in my opinion. Life, TV, the Movies, they are all about the experience, and having fun doing something new and exciting. So enjoy the loooonnnngggg wait...it's worth it if you love what you're doing!

And maybe,...just maybe, you'll be the one in a million who can say they've been in a blockbuster movie. Good luck to the thousands who auditioned!

Fa la la la la

My love of music started at an early age, and has continued to be a favorite story of my mother's to tell. I HATED swimming lessons. Many reasons hindered my love; It was early in the morning, it was in a freezing cold lake, and green algae commonly squished between your toes in certain areas of the lesson space. Although I was relatively shy as a child (surprisingly true), I was also quite resourceful when need-be. My favorite play was "Annie"-- I had every song memorized! So to avoid getting in the water, I would stand on the dock and sing to my class 'The Sun will Come Out Tomorrow'. Growing up in a small town of 600 people, you can imagine how often I've heard that story retold.

Singing was always a shy love of mine. I loved all music growing up including; taking piano lessons, singing in a church choir, school choir, vocal competitions and eventually singing on the Miss America stage in Atlantic City in front of 6,000 people and at a Twins Game.

Few people ever knew that singing in front of people, was actually my biggest fear. My choir teacher, Miss Starr and my mom knew. I would never allow anyone in the room to watch a competition and most often if anyone was coaching me, I would have them not look at me. This fear was so physically strong for me and one I fought so hard because I loved singing, but was barely was able to overcome that fear. I would shake, nearly cry, lose my voice, be completely off key, and often just lose control of my body. Many people say they feel this way when they have to do public speaking. My mom never pushed me, she just wasn't that type of parent, however, she would constantly give me positive encouragement and try to instill confidence in my ability. To this day, I fully recognize I'm not a fabulous singer, but I can carry a tune.

Recently, I wanted to rediscover my musical passions and purchased a piano. After doing so, my friend Christine asked, "Should you require your child to stay with a musical instrument even if they don't like it." I really wanted to throw that out for all of you to advise her. Personally, I feel had Mama O' not pushed me to continue practicing piano when I hated it (No one likes practicing), and had she not continually encouraged me to believe in my singing, I never would have become Miss Minnesota. And without the musical training of piano, singing is that much harder to read music and stay on tune. I am grateful for having great supportive people in my life because the truth is we all have fears, and we all have areas we lack confidence and it takes special people (parents. teachers and friends) to push you a little because they know the benefits it will give you later in life - some that may even surprise you!

Maybe the trick is finding a) Something they love and b)An instrument they are naturally good at. Give them a time frame to be committed to practicing and learn it, perhaps a year? And then if they still hate it, find something else they are good at. I think music education benefits everyone in more ways that the obvious, and often times I hear adult friends saying "I wish" when it comes to piano, guitar, and singing lessons.

Weigh in with your thoughts and personal story to help Christine and her daughter make this decisions. Her daughter cries every time she has to practice piano. What do you think, "Should you require your child to stay with a musical instrument even if they don't like it?"

Maybe I'm a Narcolepzzzzzzzz.....

Today we had the Sleep Wellness Institute on the show and chatted about Neurofeedback and Project Brain Harmony, as well as the irresistible power nap. I've often said, I must have been a cat in my former life because I LOVE to sleep, all day if possible. Throughout the day there are times I feel like I'm drugged and the need for a nap attacks me inappropriately without choice. In fact, when I was 17, I couldn't drive longer than 45 minutes without pulling over to take a nap or I'd fall asleep at the wheel. SCARY! That has since changed, but it's evident that I have been seriously sleep deprived at periods throughout my life.

Mark Stoiber from the Sleep Wellness Institute told me that if you start dreaming immediately upon taking a nap (which I do) you're sleep deprived. Crap! (But to no surprise since my ass of a nocturnal cat meows incessantly from 3am-5:45am even audible through earplugs.) That got us asking him about when you fall asleep and feel awake but cannot wake yourself. It'soften accompanied by a feeling of people (ghosts, aliens, levitation, intruders, or visitors) around you. I HAVE THIS ALL THE TIME! However, it's always during a nap, not evening sleep. Have you experienced this???

It's called "Sleep Paralysis". It's a scientifically explained phenomenon where you are still in REM, but seemingly experiencing all your senses as though you're awake because your body and brain momentarily disconnect. Here is a medical explanation of Sleep Paralysis, and click on this for a cross-cultural creepier explanation with all the folklore versions.

I've experienced the sleep simulated levitation feeling, the aliens scare, the ghostly presence, as well as the feeling of random visitors walking around me while I simply cannot wake up. Tell me your story...we all apparently have it. Is it science or supernatural in your mind?

The "Key" to Marriage

"Hey Honey, what is the 'Key' to our marriage?" Husband, "WhisKEY"!

OK, so I'm a bit cynical about marriage, I know. Mainly due to the fact that I don't know many people who are happily married. Married, yes, but happily is the operative word. I do however, know MANY people who are divorced.

WHOA - hold on - don't confuse me with someone who doesn't believe in love or even soul mates. I do. Passionately. I even know a few who I believe are soul mates. And no, I didn't grow up in a loveless household. I was fortunate that even though my parents divorced, they were best friends and always loved each other. I saw nothing but admiration between the two of them.

Truth be told, I'm a hopeless romantic who believes in the stuff movies are made of. Honestly, I guess I've just never been that girl who dreamed of her wedding, the dress or anything....wait, once I did dream of a buffet I saw at a wedding, does that count?

Regardless of my stained-glass view of love and broken-glass view of marriage, I'm fascinated by people who are married and claim to be happy. I'm not all skeptic, I'm curious and hopeful! In fact, I often find myself interviewing couples about how they've made it so long together. Adding to my doubts, often a few years after I've asked them, they divorce. Reasons often stating..."he wasn't who I thought he was", "we grew apart", "I'm not physically attracted to him/her anymore", and the obvious and disgusting reason, infidelity.

Is there hope for a loving monogamous partnership in today's world? Bob thinks so. The other weekend I went to a fundraiser at the Pfister and had a great conversation with Bob and his wife who were celebrating their 40th anniversary. As we Cheer's and toasted, Bob says the reason he believes they've stayed together is because their faith aligned and they lived out that faith together in their lives as a couple. It was obvious there was a deep mutual respect for each other and they have a great sense of humor.

Husband asks his wife, "Sweets, what do you like most about me -my hansome face or my muscular body?" She looked at him from head to toe and replied, "Your sense of Humor."

Bob and his wive "G", were in their 60's - is a committed marriage that lasts for a lifetime a thing of past? In our instant gratification society are people too concerned with their own wants to consider a lifetime of "we"?

I ask you: What keeps you married? How have you made it as long as you have? Why aren't most marriages lasting these days? Is love a FEELING or a CHOICE? I'd love to know your thoughts...whether you're single, married, or divorced.

Our Greatest Fear..

Few people in the world truly realize the greatness of their purpose. When they do, I believe, it is a glimpse inside of God's intentions. Knowing your talents and facing the truth of your purpose here on earth is profound.

Last weekend, I had a girlfriend visit who is always a motivator in my life. We talked about dreams, goals, love, and family. I've had several moments in my life when I've realized I was scared of my purpose - not knowing what it was or fear of not being able to fulfill it. Nights I laid awake wide-eyed silently conversing through prayer asking if was making the right decisions and taking the right paths to fulfill it.

Through those sleepless nights, being grateful for my blessings and moments looking within my soul I've realized my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate and can’t make a difference in the world, but instead - that I will falter in living out the greatness I know is within me....that I know is within in all of us.

I believe the truth of the words below, which were once used in a Nelson Mandella speech, should guide every individual. However, wouldn't you agree that most people live in fear of dying and having left no legacy, having had no purpose - serving no one and therefore they cripple their talents? Why do we all believe as children we can sing, but as adults quiet our voices only to the occasional shower or drunken karaoke? Do you make the excuse you've just become more intelligent as an adult to "know better" than to believe in yourself like you did when you were little? We often lose sight of our talents because we feel unworthy of showcasing them and begin creating excuses like; "I can't afford it", "I'm not good enough", "I wouldn't know where to start", "I'd give up what I've already worked so hard for", "I'm too old/young"...and the excuses go on.

Start small: Re-reading motivational books have inspired me to write deeper in this blog. Walking through a gift shop seeing local artists paintings motivated me to get out my art supplies and get creative. Hearing my girlfriend talk about a new show she’ll be in, reminded me how much I miss performing in theatre and improv comedy. Judging a local singing contest at Mickey's made me miss singing. I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best there is at any of those above-mentioned talents, but they make me happy doing them. What creative outlet have you denied yourself out of fear or excuses? What do you need to rediscover?

Take the time to RE-realize your Talents...Your Purpose...the reason you get up every Monday morning. I hope this poem will inspire you as much as it did me, enjoy...

OUR GREATEST FEAR

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

"It's Windy isn't it?", "No..It's Thursday"

Monday we had the Hearing Loss Association of America on the show and this weekend is also Mother’s Day, so it got me thinking about my mom, Mama O’.

My mother wears two hearing aids, she has since she was 18. I've often talked about how her hearing loss has shaped our mother-daughter relationship on the show. The title of this blog illustrates a funny exchange I’m sure I've had with my mom at some point. All my life, I've been my mom’s ears in public situations to avoid these mishaps, but every once in a while, she just makes me laugh.

Hearing aids aren't covered by insurance so having grown up without a lot of money, this meant that most of my life the hearing aids my mom used ring constantly, or weren't individualized for her ear.

My mother has the best sense of humor through it all…if you ever joke about her hearing she (without missing a beat) pulls out the ol' “What?”, beating you to the punch line. In fact, my father used to joke that her hearing loss was the reason they had three kids in the first place. My dad would say, “Wanna go to bed or what?” (wink wink) …and my mother would reply, “What?”. Hence the three of us….

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

I joke, but it’s of course not all comical …someone who suffers from hearing loss has a lot of social stigma’s to overcome. The HLAA educated us today that 31 million Americans have a hearing disorder and 22 million of those could have been prevented yet most people don’t ever get help hearing due to the social stigmas.You should watch the segment with our guest Eloise, who was a great example, saying that she didn't know she had a problem until she had lost 5 jobs and her relationships were strained because she simply could not communicate effectively.

I've seen first-hand how people speak slower to someone who can’t hear because they assume they lack intelligence when really they just can’t hear you! In many cases, if my mom doesn't hear someone speak to her (especially if she cannot see them) they think she’s being rude by not responding and get upset. Don’t even get me started about how angry I am that hearing aids aren't covered by insurance!! These are all reasons education and funding is needed. Diedre Downs, who won Miss America my year, wore a hearing aid and never told anyone. She felt it could hinder her chances of winning if the judges knew and unfairly thought she couldn't “perform” the job. She later began speaking on behalf of hearing foundations, but during our competition, it was a secret she only shared with a few of us due to the stigma’s hearing loss holds.

I could go on forever, however, the point of this entry wasn't to expose my mom’s hearing loss, or ramble…it was actually to point out that no one should be ashamed or embarrassed if they have trouble hearing. Get a hearing test, and if you cannot afford treatment, there are many studies that are free and provide you with hearing aids you can keep.

Watching my mother’s daily struggles has taught me a lot and helped to create the close-knit bond we share. Even though humor is how we deal with my mom’s hearing loss, I’ll say in a moment of all honesty, it’s not easy for her. And I’d be lying if I said I never get frustrated.

Tolerance, education, and a lot of repeating yourself a little bit louder come with living with someone who has hearing problems. I said..REPEATING YOURSELF A LITTLE LOUDER WORKS!

Remember to count your blessings this Mother’s Day. I count Mama O’, as one of my biggest blessings in life. Mom- I figured I should write this next sentence. If I just said it to you over the phone this Mothers day instead of hearing, “Mom, the biggest compliment I've ever received is when people say I remind them of you." You’ll probably ask me, “What? I remind you of glue?”

NO MOM…simply put, all I am, I owe to you. You are my hero. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day. I SAID…HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

And Happy Mother's Day to all of you women who are parents and Grandparents, you are all saints.

Swimming in my Money Pit

Question:
"What full time staff member would you hire if you won a million dollars a Chef, Nanny, or Housekeeper."

Me - well, first and foremost, I would create a money pit....and then swim in it -Daily -and laugh obnoxiously with a martini in hand.

Second, to answer the question, I would hire a Chef. We'd all be a size 4 if only someone else made us responsible for what we put in our mouth, right? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming --- unfortunately, I often dream of the memorizing smell of deep fry, I can't resist! I'm guilty of adoring all foods bad; cheese, french fries, pizza, buffalo wings, and sauces...OH SAUCES - don't get me started on

dipping! I choose what I eat most often based on what condiment I'm craving.

So what if I eat ranch by the glass? ....Don't Eating is entertaining to me, not just a way to fuel my body. Since I was little, meals have been bonding time I shared with my mom where our favorite thing to do has been to go to a restaurant for brunch, and stay til dinner. To a fault, I'm a complete buffet girl too - I love to taste appetizers and combos of flavors and textures. I can't just eat my meal, I taste everyone else's too. People who know me, know when my mom and I get together we disappear into a time warp when we enter a restaurant or cook a meal. Therefore, if I had a chef I could control myself I swear! Chef's can trick you into eating healthier and it tastes good.

I'm guessing this choice was a 100% obvious - I don't have kids so the nanny was out, and I enjoy cleaning. When my home is dust-free so is my brain. Don't get me wrong, I'll hire someone to clean the toilet - and the floors - but dusting and organizing I actually enjoy.

All this food talk is making me HUNGRY! So... Who would you hire?

Tiffany Time - Being Alone not being Lonely

In my opinion there is a HUGE difference between being alone and being lonely. Do you beg to differ? Then maybe you're not seeing aloneness as an opportunity. The time in-between being a social diva to be creative in your own space...be alone with your thoughts and reinvent your goals, tweak your outlook and re-adjust your attitude. I like to call it "Tiffany Time" for those who know me.

Moving to a city where I didn't know a single soul has gifted me many quiet moments. However, at first, I caught myself losing that gift by filling every moment with visitors, travel, or phone conversations. Partly in order to not let my close friends and family feel like this would change our relationship, and also still being so close to MN, everyone wanted to come to visit. It was a cursed blessing in a way because I need to give myself a "time out" here and there. Now that things have relaxed a bit, I've been reminded to be present to spending time by myself. Perhaps it's because I'm reading a book with that very focus. Or maybe it's because I haven't had much alone time with my schedule until now. I'm guilty as I know many of you are, that I tend to book myself crazy and although I thrive on the work I do, multitasking and social outings, I need myTiffany Time too--to regroup, refresh, and refocus.

One of the books I'm reading right now was given to me from my cousin. Its purpose is to assure me that my decisions are sound and I'm OK with my independence. I've been repeatedly reassured from the first 4 chapters, I already am in the place I want to be! I have changed tremendously as a woman in the past 4 years becoming a very independent person. My experience in the public position of Miss Minnesota started much of it by teaching me so many things that some people never have the chance to learn in lifetime, I'm incredibly grateful for that experience. Also, I am a firm believer that EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO LIVE ALONE AT SOME POINT IN HER LIFE BEFORE GETTING MARRIED - and through my own experience with that I've owned myself in a new way. I've learned who I really am.....quietly..... when no one is watching...when I'm not focused on a relationship-- when I'm simply, alone. Best of all, I've learned to love that person and be OK with not needing someone to take care of me. I can fix things, hang pictures, and do handy work without my brothers or guy friends to help! Once you've learned those things, discovered you're OK with yourself, it's then you define who you can be with another person.

Here is a quote from the book I'm reading that might inspire you to take some time for yourself before the summer gets crazy. Time to hear your own thoughts, listen to your heart, take in the beauty of the Lake and be present to your place in life. Perhaps its just taking a moment to realize how blessed you are to have all you have when so many out there have so little. Enjoy.......

"Aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality, with resources for renewed life-not a life sentence. Its cultivation should not be an apology but an art. In the space of aloneness--and perhaps only there - a woman is free to admit and act on her own desires. It is where we have the opportunity to discover that we are 'not a half' but a sovereign whole. With that insight, we can then begin to discard the remnant of 'thingness'--the spoiling belief that gives rise to our timidity, insecurity, and fear---so that we can realize true autonomy, with or without a partner." --- Florence FALK, ON MY OWN

My Closets Don't Judge Me!

I tend to compartmentalize most things in my life -so I'm told. I think it allows me to enjoy many different things in life..types of people, events, music, hobbies etc.. Some think it's bad...however, when it comes to closets, they LOVE my compartmentalizing habits!

To say this only happened after moving, would be a lie. It has helped, because I was forced to get rid of old items, however, this is something I cannot deny is in my inherent nature. I love to color code, make lists, put in compartments, shelves, organize by sleeve length, hanging holders, create creative nooks - and don't even get me started on office supplies and organizers! I've had what's affectionately referred to as the "Accessory Closet" (a makeshift closet which is a corner with a curtain to cover) for a couple years. In my old place it was the front closet, in my new place, it has it's own purpose in my bedroom. It holds belts, shoes, purses, scarves and hats only...it's beautiful.

Some think compartmentalizing isn't a good thing. It can keep you emotionally unattached to things. However, when it comes to my closets, I never get judged. So compartmentalize away, I say.....here is a snippet of what the Accessory closet is, it's glorious to me, enjoy!

Pop Can

I left a soda can on my kitchen counter this morning. I'm eating an early lunch and realizing it would be really good with that cranberry spritzer on my counter. I've actually left a can on my car roof before only to hear it tumble off a half block away. I once chased 6 blocks after someone in traffic because they had dropped their shoes off the top of their car to track them down and give it back to them. SHOES?? Isn't it illegal to drive barefoot people?!

The bigger point is that I'm so often surprised about how we can forget things and never feel remorse...until....WE REMEMBER! Think about it - the only things you feel bad about losing are the things you have memories of having. It got me thinking...even with something as menial as a can of soda - now that I thought of it, I really want it - now that I realize and remember losing it. Not only that, but I'd like it the way it was when I left it there...cold, sweating a little because it's brand new out of the fridge. Isn't that the way most things we miss are? Whether it's people, jobs, pets, relationships....We wish we could have them they way they WERE, the way they used to be when we had them?

The truth is that this mentality and reliving memories, not noticing things have changed, can keep us living in the past...always comparing and never really experiencing the present. Don't get me wrong - after losing my father at a young age, I am a huge believer in keeping memories of loved ones alive, but overkill can keep us from moving on.

My cousin Sean visited this weekend and reminiscing about growing up we talked about the fact I've always been so upset with myself for having such a bad memory. I often have people tell me stories of things that happened in my past while growing up - in high school - in college - at work - at events - YESTERDAY...and I have no recollection of them whatsoever! How horrible that they are able to relive more moments in my life than me?!!

Then I realized...wait a second....Maybe I'm lucky!? I have a poor memory and perhaps that allows me to live in the present more than people who have a ridiculously articulate memories? Moving and trying new things, being present and spontaneous all are fun because I simple don't always remember things prior in too much detail, as silly as that sounds. It's always a conscious effort to live in the here and now - but having a bad memory sure helps! To-do lists should be a thing of the past - if you forget, GREAT - you have more time to do other in-the-moment things, right!?

Well, maybe. I do love my to-do lists...

GET OFF THE AXIOM!: Auto-pilot Rehab

I've been so UNinspired lately it's almost comical. Today after my coffee, which generally makes me motivated to accomplish a superhuman number of tasks, I almost fell asleep. I thought what better than to perk me up than to hit the gym...I didn't even have the energy to adjust the bike to the right place so for a good 5 minutes I biked with my knees to my chin and by 10 minutes the bike had won and I was gasping for mercy! What is happening to me?

Being so UNinspired today and thinking about it caused me to think that maybe what I'm really inspired by is people. And I'm not in a job where I'm surrounded by them right now. See...I even said "them" as if I don't know who "people" are anymore. I need PEOPLE! Help, I need a crowd ....fast! WAIT? Maybe it's not people I need...it's the way we live avoiding "them" I just need to stop? Am I a human avoider?

Have you noticed we are becoming very much like the AXIOM in Wall-E? We are commercially driven auto-pilot robots sucked into our cell phones, and computers and daily routines without really "seeing" what's going on around us! If you haven't watched the Disney movie, you should. It's a sweet love story yes, but what I took out of it is the mindlessness of todays society and what a scary reality it is, not in the future, but NOW!

Let's start with phone conversations -OK - I admit, I've been accused on the phone of not paying attention. My blame goes on hating talking on the phone and having to get things done while I'm "listening". I'm guilty of "uh-huh'ing" my way through parts of conversations, and I finally realized this for myself when I first used Skype -phone with a tv screen online. The conversation was SO different....I had to truly just pay attention -sit down, turn the tv off, put my magazine to the side, no internet, and just talk on the "phone" because he would bust me if I wasn't! It made me realize how much I usually do when I'm on the phone instead of just listening.

Maybe you're not quilty of that ---well, How often have you driven 20 miles and realized you have no recollection of the trip? Happens to me ALL THE TIME. Is it societal auto-pilot? A sort of multi-tasking mania? At moments I'm doing all of this at once: listening to a song, singing in my head or out loud, eating food, texting (oops, I admitted it) or talking on the phone, sometimes looking at my planner if it's a business call--OR just spacing out. I couldn't tell you exactly what I passed during those 20 miles or where the heck I was if I didn't drive those roads everyday. Much less - I don't even know what happened while I was driving yet I made all the right turns and was still going to the right place...on auto-pilot! SCARY!

Not only that, but I'm a HORRIBLE nail biter and when I took off fake nails the other day I stared into space biting those deliciously tender bits of awesomeness for nearly 4 hours straight without blinking!

Even worse - I find myself walking into stores involved on my cell phone - head down and avoiding eye contact so to not interupt my call by someone "interacting" with me, taking calls at the checkout, and involved in texting and internet at caribou rather than noticing anyone around me and just having a cup of Joe.

The elevator is the worst, I don't even attempt to make eye contact or say hello anymore...I'm mentally checking off what I'm doing next in my head and staring at the little light up numbers like they show in awkward tv moments! What happened to me? Someone once told me the sole reason they tracked me down to get to know each other was because of how I greeted them when they walked into an elevator. Help?!! What have I become?! I NEED A SUPPORT GROUP.....AUTO-PILOT REHAB! Do you know what I'm talking about?

I've been noticing it more and more. I think I'm getting so much done, but really I'm paying attention to nothing and checking it off a list that probably doesn't really matter.

Recently, with a few days off I've had a chance to just be...relinquish my soul to helping my mom move, relaxing, hanging out, and even playing BINGO, and not be on my phone or computer. I've watched tv, movies, and even just sat and talked with real live, gulp, "people".

Just being present to the stillness has made me realize how I zone out ALL the time to the beauty and people around me. All under the guise of getting things done.

Since noticing this I've recently been inspired so many times! I used to pride myself on my cursed blessing that people just "talked" to me...now I know why, it's simply that I invited them to.

I've said hello to people walking into stores and sang like I was in the shower everywhere I walk. It's been nice...in fact one of our maintenence men said the other day, "You are so happy..always singing, just like one of our guys who's always whistling, it's refreshing"...and conversation ensued. Huh? I'd never talked to him before more than a "hi" even though I see him every day. He was nice.

I went to church on Ash Wednesday and I saw the man who bags my groceries handing out bulletins. He is developmentally challenged and has a very unique voice that I suddenly recognized. Not because he said hello (even though he did)..but because as I was looking for a seat I heard his unmistakeable vocals singing every word of the choirs music. Music I have never heard and music that wasn't a communal song.... yet he knew every word.

Screw the song - Why had I never taken such notice of him before, he was so kind? This really beautiful moment slapped me in the face and I noticed someone who I usually just say "paper" to with a non-interactive smile as I'm digging in my purse getting my Visa. He became an inspiration to me. He woke me out of my 'Axiom-like trance' to what life was about...I realized inspiration comes from 3 simple things; paying attention, giving back, and living your gifts.

I realized it's not that I'm not "doing" those things--what I realized was I'm not being fully present all the time and too often I'm checking things off of my list and not PAYING ATTENTION! I check off my list to volunteer once a month, I check off my list to do something towards my career each week...but they aren't really present activities. They are checkmarks. My whole life is a list of To do's....

I LOVE TO DO LISTS! People who know me best, will tell you mine are ridiculous, and often times when I'm ordering out my day you'll see "eat" and "shower" on that checklist. Obscene I know.

Can I say it? No more random checklists...no more auto-pilot. I'm putting myself through rehab for list makers and the electronically obsessed. Truth be told, I'll never give up my planner or To-Do lists, but I might just stop during that list to smell the laundry...once it's clean of course.

I've been bored, and unispired, because I simply haven't noticed anything, and everyONE that could change my day. Maybe you're on auto-pilot too - even worse if you feel that way on the job - that's where you spend most of your time and should feel alive!

Who are you ignoring? Your soulmate? Someone you can learn from? A person who needs a smile? If you want to know, perhaps a good start is to just pay attention and start to look at someone in the elevator, smile at the person you pass going in the store, or simply notice and say hi to the person bagging your groceries.

As for lists...Sometimes we miss the light in life when we're spending too much time with a highlighter.

The Plant is always greener... in someone else's office

I'm starting on my New Years resolutions early...and one of them was to finish my book - Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus--which I HIGHLY recommend. It was exactly what I needed. Many of the quotes were extremely motivational and I thought I'd share one of them that hit me as I look back at my manic underlining while reading it.

"We are all haunted with the fear of living lives of insignificance, and we all hear the voice that tells us we can live the dream. Somehow we all know that to play it safe is to lose the game. [Sometimes you have] to risk all that you have for all that could be."

I think this quote rings true for not only career but also love. Tonight, let's consider career.

Here was my scenario. I wanted a corporate office, window, expense account, networking lunches, office paid happy hours, and the prestige of a corner office with----yes, you guessed it-- a plant. Guess what? I got it---and even the plant was fake! Don't get me wrong - I was happy and extremely grateful for the life I was living. It was a good life, one I worked hard for, one I was financially very rewarded for. I had everything I wanted! I could even go shopping and drop a thousand dollars and not even flinch - by a round of shots for the bar and be everyone's best friend for the night....who wouldn't be happy?!

Yet everyday as I looked out my fish bowled windows I felt myself wondering what those people who were driving at 10am did? Then again at 2pm...what did those people do? 3pm? 4pm? Crap...I was still wondering at 6pm from my private office with my company logo'd polo what those people did. It went from a curiousity of what kinds of jobs didn't require an office, to sheer jealousy of those not confined by a desk. Before I strangled myself with my mouse, I knew I had to investigate because I believed I was made for something more.

I took a leave of absence to speak for a non-profit at corporations all over the twin cities. I figured it would not only be a great opportunity to give back to my community and use my talent of public speaking, but professionally I could scout out other corporations and see how much greener the plants were in their offices.

I visited nearly 60 corporations considered "best places to work" in 3 months. I learned a lot. They really were some of the best places to work....yet I was baffled when I found that even there, everyone was afraid of living a life without purpose - happy and grateful for the lives they had, yet unfulfilled. My actual speech incorporated this thought...perhaps that's why the quote in McManus's book struck me. People would approach me afterwards and talk about the fact they felt that they had so much more to give or talents they just were afraid to pursue for fear of leaving that plastic plant office to see if something could pan out. They simply couldn't risk all they had worked so hard for.

Many of those offices even had beautiful real plants...flourishingly green. They truly were wonderful enviroments to work in with great programs to acknowledge your work. Yet, even there, people were envious of everyone else's job, and of a person like me who was now someone you'd see out your window on the road at 10am, 2pm, and 3pm making a difference ...unchained by a desk. It wasn't the Office that was bad...it was the fact they weren't using their God given talents that made them envious. During that short leave of absence I literally spoke with thousands of people paralyzed by fear of not leaving any mark on this world - and living a life of insignificance was their greatest fear. I learned more in those months about human nature than any other time of my life. That was 2 years ago...and I've continued to be a part of that non-profit ever since.

Don't get me wrong - working for a great company you can make a huge difference. I'm talking about truly exhausting your talents...whether in a coporation or someplace else--risking comfort for uncertainty, in hopes of all that can be. Is that smart in this economy? Possibly not. First hand I can tell you it's a roller coaster with blows to your ego, and low lows...that is s100% worth it for the chance at your dream in my opinion. Yet most people are not willing to risk anything for something better....in fact, they cling to what they have for fear of failure.

Here at the end of 2008, I feel that I've stared failure straight in the face...I even let it spit on me. I won't lie, I cried, I've felt like I failed. Then I recognized that it's ok to restrategize but it's not ok to give up. I tell students I teach persistence beats resistence and I knew I had to practice what I preach. Someone I admire greatly said to me, "it's not the most talented people that make it, it's the most persistent who succeed and you can watch the rest drop out around you when the going gets rough". He also said, "Sometimes when you pursue your passions there aren't any signs. In fact the only signs there are, are people telling you you'll never make it." I've come to learn, that includes yourself.

So my final though is this...will you let someone tell you no because they economy is bad, the risk is too great, you're not good enough, it's not realistic, you're too old, or too young, that you'll never make it? Why let someone else determine your destiny? Erwin McManus taught me that we all fear following a passion for fear we'll pursue it wholeheartedly and it's the wrong choice. His book is an affirmation that "if we desperately want to do what is in God's heart, not just our own, the liberating reality is this: When we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions."

What I learned is those people we admire so much who seem to be living life to the fullest in all those jobs we wish we had aren't living on trust funds (I like to assume everyone who has a better life than me must indeed have a trust fund.) In fact they are the first ones to tell us that it's not that they are that much more talented, or intelligent than us, they simply chose to risk what they had, for all that could be. They Chased Daylight...and in doing so they are fulfilling their purpose-Living the Dream we all can live, if only - we dare to believe.

So I ask this tonight ---are you playing it safe? are you waiting for a sign? are you waiting to know the answers and outcome before you risk jumping in? A lifelong journey of pursuing your dreams will surely at some points bring hardship and suffering....it may even make you feel like you've been in a boxing match with your hands tied behind your back (refer to my depressive post below) Yet, the reward is the adventure, the boxing match and of course the possibility of the greatest life you've ever imagined.

In fact, if you take the risk, you might even find yourself walking among and watering the greenest garden that could never have existed in that lifeless florescent office.

Snow Globe

Have you ever felt like you went head to head in a boxing match with your hands tied behind your back? Black and Blue and totally feeling beat up..physically, emotionally, mentally, and unable to fight back....

This is the time of year when I'm usually sweeping my feet in circles as I walk through whispy new snowfalls.....laughing to myself while I catch snowflakes on my tongue. Yet the end of 2008 has seemed relentless on punching me where it counts. Economy, love, career, and health have all seemed to fail me lately. Even on my birthday, everything seemed to go wrong..I locked my keyes in my car not once, but TWICE...once while it was running... I dropped an expensive ornament in a store and it shattered...and then I ended up in the emergency room for the night with a major infection...that still persists and hopefully I can dodge surgery. What Crap! So tonight, I pick up a snowglobe, tip it upside-down, shake it and find myself wishing I were inside of that world completely enchanted with the snowy winter-wonderland inside.

I've always admired people who have thick skin and don't take things personally or to heart. I, on the other hand, take everything to heart. I used to think it was a gift... now I'm beginning to think it's a curse. Have you ever felt like your heart is so full of saddness it could burst? Not for yourself..(well ok, yes for yourself), but also for so many people who have it worse, for people you love and their problems, with negative things people have said to you, with fear of your future, for missing your past...and filled with uncertainty of where to go next?

I've always been someone who sees the positive in everything, and I've always believed that someone who isn't seeing the same has just been hurt and has forgotten how to see past it. My gift has always been to help people get past that hurt...use it to motivate towards something good for themselves and others and overcome any obstacles. However my heart has become consumed with hurt caused by the very people I thought I was helping. They haven't tried, and maybe don't even realize it. But, my question I pose to you tonight is this: When does loving someone become wrong for you?

I wonder? If I just turn off the lights, and see the reflection of the street lights through my window in the snowglobe, if I can just disappear in that tiny city street where everything is so perfect ---just for a night.....

Re-Gifting

We all know that re-gifting is a bit taboo...you open a present at Christmas and realize it's the same thing you gave to that person a year ago. I've seen it happen, and it's not pretty. So is it ever a good idea?

How about re-gifting your heart? I think for the first time in a long time, I’ve allowed my heart to get broken. I’ve realized it’s been wrapped up in a pretty bow in a turquoise Tiffany's box and re-gifted over and over and over again in my lifetime. However, this time I gave it as a gift and I actually let someone open it!! He took it out and looked at... he Oooh'd and Aaahhh'd and said how much he loved it! Then... he dropped it and broke it.

So, I'm trying to pick up the pieces, glue them together and decide if I can re-gift it? Can you give someone the gift of your heart twice, are they trustworthy? Especially after so long of not letting anyone in on it........or am I doomed that butterfingers will do the same things again?

You help me decide.....

Ignorance causes "Bliss"-ters

So do my new shoes!.... OUCH! I love them, but they do NOT love me. Wow...that seems to be a something I've heard before....so let's begin. Have you ever NOT allowed someone to love you before? Dumb question Tiffany right? You can't help when you love someone. Well, maybe not...what obstacles have you put in the way of people loving you so that you were in control of your own emotions?

What is it about us that prevents us from being everything we were meant to be? Is it fear? Insecurity? A feeling like we don't deserve it? A way to be in control? Or simply ignorance? Ignorant of the fact that you don't realize you weren't allowing yourself to feel or do things things because you simply didn't want to get hurt...be let down.. be alone...so instead you stay in control and don't allow for those things to happen to you. Really what you were doing is hurting yourself, and maybe others, more than if you had just known what you were doing and not been so blind!!

All my talk sometimes makes it seem like I really have everything figured out. But really, who does? So much wisdom, insight you comment...maybe instead it's ignorance? It's supposed to be Bliss isn't it?

How many times in your life have you been hurt so badly you decided you'd never let that happen again? Prob only once I hope.... me, I lost a parent. I"m not special for that, or deserve a round of applause for surviving, but I maybe just recognized since that point in my life, I've never allowed anyone to get close enough to me to allow myself to feel so hurt. Almost 7 years?!!!! Everyone is kept at a certain distance, a controlled distance, one that won't allow them to leave me and me to hurt for long. Are you doing that?

Let's talk about love - directly, not in metaphors as I usually do. I have been told, I don't allow people to fall in love with me....I've retorted...you don't allow yourself to fall in love, you just do. You can't decide when or where or how or with who, it just happens whether you want to be vulnerable or not. Am I wrong? I think there is so much truth to that...at least for me. Yet as I scream into an empty heart about vulnerability, I recognize maybe it's me who's not willing to let go? Not willing to move on so I don't get hurt, take care of myself without having a safety net, or even make a decision firmly for fear it's the wrong one and I'll regret something. How can I expect someone to be vulnerable to me when I am not fully vulnerable myself? I constantly have a backup...a burner on high...a parachute packed...pepto in my purse..and they know it!! Why hasn't anyone told me this before now?!

Ok ok...I'm back to my metaphors...let's go with it, remember my posting on the pop can I left on my car and saw it from my window? Read a year ago below if you don't.... I talk about when you remember you've lost something you want it back..the way it was when you had it. Part of it was I was giving up drinking so much regular pop at the time trying to drink diet pop to be more healthy (baby steps right?). Then WHAMO, I saw it out my window, remembered I had it there and realized when something you had is still in plain sight you can't really let it go..you picture just what it was like when you last had it and you still want it alittle. It takes real strength to move on, and cut yourself off from it. To be honest, I'll always see another can of regular pop, and it will remind me of how much I love Dr. Pepper...but if I've really moved on, it won't make me drool. I'll be able to laugh and smile at the memories I had with it....ah ..me and my "pops".

Holding onto things from the past prevents you from moving on to what is waiting for your future..because there is always a reason you decided you had to move.

I constantly miss my father. I want to be someone who makes him proud, someone who lives in the present and fulfills her purpose..exhausts her talents, and loves with abandon. I don't think he'd be proud I've used him leaving me as an excuse to not love...or even worse, be loved. But after a swift kick in the butt today and a lot of tears and thinking, that's what I know I have to do. I Tiffany Times am not so on track all the time as I sound...I'm just human, haunted by my past experiences, trying not to let them hold me back anymore.

So...I ask: What is holding you back? Did someone hurt you....leave you....you failed yourself.....you don't feel you deserve something....you can't give up control.....you are ignorant? Don't let ignorance be the ghost that haunts you from achieving what you want in any area of your life. Be honest with yourself and realize it..ask someone to give you a swift kick in the ass and buck up! Excuses, Excuses, Now is the time to change!

So, ignorance isn't always Bliss...sometimes it's more painful than if you had realized something in the first place. Don't just put a bandaid on your "Bliss"-ters....let them heal by not wearing the same shoes...it's ok if those shoes didn't fit right, there is another pair out there waiting for you..probably cuter, and calling your name!

Tiffany Times

All you can eat....

Have I mentioned before that I like Buffets?

Just in case you think I'm going all soft and mushy lately I just thought I'd remind my readers, the other night when I went to dinner I tried to just order a filet, and it didnt' work. I couldn't just have 1 item...how boring!! I actually split an appetizer, half my dates meal, half my own and dessert. Sampling...ah - it's the way to live.

Much less complicated than trying to order ONE item and not get the sides or the main course you were hoping for. The beans are always greener on someone else's plate I guess you could say..... but I really LOVE green beans.

Let's be honest, at some point, it's all just gonna come out though isn't it?

Think with your Stomach?

What are you hungry for? Do you have a big appetite? Not for cheese and tacos (mmm)...but for something more-- a dream, a goal, for love. ..

I was talking with someone tonight who gave me a new perspective on some of my feelings. Let's think about my last post - perhaps needing a parachute is a way of protecting myself. It's an excuse for not trusting fate and my instincts. He said, "why wouldn't you live for the rush?" He went on to say, "if you give attention to a backup plan you aren't able to give 100% focus to the what's happening in the now. If you spend time thinking about what you might need incase your plans don't work you could miss what's going on in front of you."

So he suggested I think with my stomach...he has stomach problems and most foods upset him painfully. So he has a choice. He could always protect himself and never taste new foods for fear of regretting eating it because there is a possiblity it will hurt him OR better yet, there is the possibility it could be the best thing he's ever had, a new favorite food that actually is healing! Honestly, he won't know unless he tries it...usually based on a "gut" instinct. (I crack me up...)

He outright said, "Yes Tiffany, there are times I've been so sure of eating a new food and I went for it 100% and what happened actually was the most embarrassing moment ever because I was wrong- it was a really bad decision. Yet the best is when I taste something new and realize it's amazing...and I never would have known if I lived my life protecting myself from potential pain."

I learned something from this and thought it was worth posting because maybe you will too. Two very different perspectives and risk factors. Brand your own approach - send me your analogy...am I making you hungry yet?

I know my appetite is stronger than ever.....um..question though -
Is it cheating if I keep Pepto in my purse? .....I guess old habits die hard.

Insatiable,
Tiffany

Calculated Uncertainty..Or just a StoveTop?

Picture a Stove top..are you always sure to turn each burner off before you cook the next item or do you prepare them simultaneously? Me? Well I've been known to have all burners on at once!! They are a boilin' away JUST in case the first pot of water boils over, or evaporates, or I screw up the recipe...heck I might even leave them on if I decide I'd rather microwave instead of cook today. Please explain you say......well after a conversation I had with one of my best friends she affectionately nicknamed me "The Stove". Why...well, I have what some would call a problem with having too many backup plans for every decision I should be making. Some would say I over analyzing everything to death, others say it's the "want your cake and eat it too" syndrome, or what most believe -it's commitment issues - therefore I always have another option waiting on the back burner.

How many times can I confirm, I have NO commitment issues!! (except to working out..which I've admitted) Unfortunately, what I am, is indecisive - simply because I want to make the right choices. I am overly analytical admittedly, and I want to know all the answers before I commit. The problem is, I'm learning, sometimes you just don't get those answers up front. You just have to take a flying leap of faith.

CRAP - I'm afraid of heights?!...I like balance in my life and most often that balance for me is somewhere between perfect calculation and complete uncertainty... because YES sometimes I'm a walking contradiction. I am extremely decisive when it comes to any situation that doesn't involve me,that's what makes me great in business and at advice. I am also very risky at times when I believe strongly in my feelings..because although I'm overly analytical, I generally get into situations that need analyzing because I act on my emotions. I blame that on the fact that I am a huge believer in fate, in God, in things happening for a reason and also in us being able to create our own destiny. So therefore, why the heck do I not always trust those things? Am I a hypocrite for that?

YIKES?? I pray for clarity every day - I pray for my family and friends...heck sometimes I can't even decide what to pray for ... Even God gets annoyed with me at times because I might not ask just in case "ye shall receive" (just to find out I asked for the wrong thing).

In my defense...isn't it ok to have a backup plan? Circumstances can change at any minute..you can get fired, become broke, get in an accident, fall in love, fall out of love, get betrayed, or simply change your mind about something. Seriously - you wouldn't go skydiving without a parachute would you? That's not considered a leap of faith, it's just plain demented! Therefore, maybe I'm doing it the right way...I'm safe...or maybe dangerous because I'm always ready to jump seeing as I've packed a parachute. AH HA....Maybe I'm the one who's smart...huh...did you ever think of that? YEAH! .......Or Maybe not. Maybe I'm too scared to take a chance for fear it's the wrong choice. Do I live in fear or complete and utter calculated uncertainty?

WEIRD, I CAN'T DECIDE! Am I so well thought out I'm prepared for anything, or simply scared to death to make a wrong decision paralyzing myself from living life to it's fullest? It's time I liberated myself so I'm not a hypocrite. Personally, I believe I don't fear the uncertain, I just crave answers.
So as with any situation - I just need to take a deep breath, step back and re-evaluate why I am the way I am...so I can get those answers. Because until you fully understand yourself, you really shouldn't expect any one else to understand you either!

So my advice to you all today - live with at least a little Calculated Uncertainty and if people don't like it --tell them to go take a flying leap (I guarantee they packed a parachute too!)

Were the Beatles Wrong?

All you need is love....you've heard that before right...sing it with me...Love is all you need. I'm a hopeless romantic...I know I've posted many blogs that would lead you to think otherwise, but really I'm the kind of girl that just wants to wear her boyfriends old sweatshirt because it smells like him. That wants to make eyes across the room and know with just a look that there's no one else. A girl who wants that Titantic-esc moment of artist love with wild abandon. But with my post on prox-intimacy did I spur up another conversation? A conversation I never knew I was brewing until I heard your responses to it?

Possibly because I want nothing more than to be hopelessly magically foolishy in love, I tend to want Love to really be all you need....yet I'm reminded tonight, there's so much more. There's physical attraction, there's the daily stuff and most importantly there's recognizing HOW you want to be loved......so the question is:
Is HOW we show we love someone more important than loving them at all?

How do you love someone correctly? Do they want to be showered with gifts and tokens of affection? Do they want your time? Do they want constant praise? Do they need loads of physical affection? Or do they want you to march down the street waving a flag with their name on it? What makes them feel loved? And what do you do if your styles are different?

I was introduced to this theory a few months ago and I think I'm finally starting to understand it, but the problem with a theory in real life is that there are strings attached.....heartstrings. Once you're involved it's hard to hear that all the things you do for someone aren't enough...when really they probably are, they just aren't the right display for your partner. Suddenly one of you starts to feel inadequate or tries hard to please at the expense of not enjoying it and in the end, you both just feel like you're not enough..that everything you do is just wrong...and your love...or your WAY of loving, just simply isn't good enough.

I guess someone can be in love with you or fall out of love at any moment for so many reasons....many which you might not feel you have control over, or never realized you should have controlled in the first place. I personally want out-of-control love.....where it simply doesn't make sense yet makes perfect sense and everything isnt' always right or easy, but just works.

Take a moment to think about if you compliment those you care about enough. Are you in a rut of picking out their flaws? For me, the truth is, I find flaws endearing. I think the flaws are what make a relationship interesting....sometimes the things that come between people are unfortunately exactly what drew you to them in the first place. What? You used to love the fact that I"m outgoing and can talk to anyone? And independent? Trying to become successful? It was attractive that I ate pizza remember? And cute that I text if I couldn't call when I'm thinking of you....and want to sleep in together......then WHAMO....suddenly all those cute little quirks become a list of romantic failures.

We've all been there...don't lie. Whatever side you're on at this moment, think if these issues are that big of a deal...if they are so monumental they are worth losing the person you really are head over heels for? Try telling them the ways You want to be Loved..what makes you feel appreciated. Ok, so what if the problem is you love them but maybe you're not in love... is it because of these differences or because you want something different? Don't try to change someone---If you really do love that someone, then maybe we all need to look at ourselves and recognize that sometimes people aren't perfect, but at the end of the day, if they just stupidly love us anyway..and we can learn to accept their gestures of affection that they ARE good at.....then maybe, just maybe John Lennon had it right.

I'll leave you to decide for yourself with of few of the lyrics ---from the Beatles "All you need is love"

Love, Love, Love.Love, Love, Love.Love, Love, Love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy. All you need is love...
Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy. All you need is love...

All you need is love, love.Love is all you need.All you need is love (All together, now!)All you need is love. (Everybody!)All you need is love, love.Love is all you need (love is all you need).